Twice the Loss Double the Grief

When we found out I was pregnant we were shocked and so happy; it had taken a year. I had an ultrasound, all was fine. The due date was 03 Jan. 2009.


Around 15 weeks I started spotting. I went for another ultrasound, which showed no reason and was told to rest.


In July 2008 around 17 weeks, I started experiencing pains during the night. I thought this was normal and slept until morning. As I woke up, the pains were stronger and I passed a huge clot.


At the hospital they did an ultrasound: our baby was somersaulting, and the heartbeat was normal. Suddenly I felt pressure and something gushed out, which I thought was blood, but my waters broke. The pains were contractions; it was premature labour.


I was losing my baby.


I was admitted, the contractions calmed down, but the next day they became strong and frequent again. I wanted another scan to check for a heartbeat; I had to be sure. But there wasn’t one.


 I delivered our baby boy: a breech birth. He was beautiful. It was devastating: our hopes and dreams were shattered.


We had a funeral service and our baby was cremated. When we scattered his ashes at the beach at night, two white doves flew past: like a sign he was at peace and we had done the right thing, which was comforting.


We began counselling.


In Oct. 2008; I fell pregnant again. I felt a rush of emotions; excited and anxious. The scan at 6 weeks was fine. The due date was 01 July 2009.


Around 7 weeks, I started bleeding. I had another scan which again, showed no reason. I was told to rest and had another scan at 12 weeks; by then the bleeding had stopped.


I had my 19 week anatomy scan: we were having a girl and everything seemed fine.


In Feb. 2009, at week 22, I woke with the same pains as before, but milder and no bleeding this time. On the way to hospital the pains grew stronger, and as I got there I started bleeding. I couldn’t believe this was happening again.


The baby’s heartbeat was normal. They gave me something to try to stop the contractions and admitted me. They said if the contractions stopped they could put a stitch in my cervix and I could carry on with the pregnancy. But if not, they wouldn’t resuscitate because I was under 23 weeks; only 4 days away…


Overnight the contractions calmed down, but the following day they grew stronger again and frequent. My waters didn’t break this time but I started delivering; the pains were excruciating. My baby girl came out inside her amniotic sac (waters), they broke it to get her out and put her in my arms; she was beautiful.


We thought she was gone, but suddenly saw her moving. The nurse checked and said there was a faint heartbeat. 30 minutes later a doctor finally arrived and said nothing could be done. We begged them to do something to help her; she was fighting for her life, but they just stood there and just told me to cuddle her until she dies. She lived for a total of 50 minutes and then passed away. Our strong little fighter: had they have resuscitated her, she may have survived.


We watched our baby fight for her life and die in my arms, and couldn’t do anything to help her; I felt so hopeless, like I failed her. Our hopes and dreams were shattered again. The pain was indescribable.


Again, we had a funeral and our baby was cremated, scattering her ashes at the same beach.


There were no confirmed reasons for my miscarriages: just possible infection. And the second time, there were also signs of a blood clotting disorder which prevented the placenta from functioning properly. All tests were negative. However, they will be treating me with blood thinners during my next pregnancy.


Our babies were so wanted and will forever be in our hearts. Unfortunately, my husband and I are now separated; divorcing this year. I’ve carried on getting counselling and it’s helping me to stop blaming myself.


Going to your own baby’s funeral is one of the most traumatic experiences. A huge part of me died with my babies.


To help with my grieving process, I made scrapbooks in memory of my babies, with photos, prayers, poems and other mementos, and baby bracelets inscribed with their names: we called them Bryan and Alicia.


Although I still have bad days, I found that creating memories along with counselling and the support of my family has given me the strength to keep going and I will never give up hope of having a baby.

Comments (2)

Said this on 22-07-11 At 05:45 am

“I am so sorry. I know nothing will ever take the pain away, except with time it gets a bit easier. You'll always wonder what life would be like with them now. I know I do. I have a five yr old son. Then I was 12 weeks’ pregnant and started spotting; I went to the hospital and was told the sac was empty and they couldn’t do anything but let nature take its course. 4 days later, I miscarried. It was horrible. 2 years later, I was 11 weeks pregnant, and all of my tests were good. But one day I noticed a dark brown spot, when I used the toilet. I called the doctor’s but was told it was only old blood and I was not to worry; but I scheduled an ultrasound for the next day. At the ultrasound, the sac only measured 7 weeks. I had a second ultrasound and then an internal one, and they found the sac was empty again: no baby, no heartbeat, nothing. I had a D & C. I feel like a failure, even though it was nothing I did or didn’t do. My husband and I are both young, so we decided to wait at least a year and try again. Again, I am so sorry for your loss: double the grief is hard”

Said this on 09-08-11 At 04:08 pm

Thank you, Shannon. I am very sorry for your losses too. The pain is unimaginable.

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