The Tenth Anniversary of Our Babies Passing

amie_lee_emily_2.jpg10 years ago on February 25th our beautiful twins Amie-lee and Emily were born sleeping..

February weather always makes my heart skip a beat.. the cool mornings and lovely days.. The minute I feel this weather change it reminds me of how February is so significant.. As I sit here and think back to this time 10 years ago.. I am reminded how innocently naive we were..

Our girls had been diagnosed with a serious rare identical twin condition: twin to twin transfusion syndrome. We had been receiving medical treatment and everything seemed perfect for them with no affects of the TTTS. We were being monitored every 2 days and everything seemed so perfect for our babies. Even though our babies had the diagnosis and we were aware it was dangerous and extremely serious, we still felt so confident nothing would happen to our girls.. We were constantly forward planning to the day we’d bring our girls home. We talked about all the things we would do having them in our lives..

When I woke that morning and soon realised I hadn’t felt them move.. I had some cold juice ..nothing.. poked and prodded.. nothing.. laid down really quietly.. nothing..

Anthony said "Come on let's go just to get checked". I thought "yes, just to get checked".. so we headed off ..I was worried..but figured as soon as we got there we'd hear their  precious heart beats like we did so many times before. 

Those words “sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat” shattered our world in an instant..

In a split second you're being told your babies have died..both of them..and then trying to comprehend words and questions.. and have no idea what to do next.. to me it felt like everything stopped.. but everything was still going on all around me..

Amie-lee & Emily were born sleeping on 25/02/2002 at 27.3weeks..

I really had no idea what to expect, what my babies would look like, what to do and is there even a right thing when your babies have died..

Our girls were simply beautiful, perfect… just tiny…with the most gorgeous cherry red lips.

Instant love swarmed over me.. but along with devastation, heartache and shock. It felt so nice to hold them in my arms.. and I knew this is the one time, the only time we will get to hold them..but it felt there was a rush to do things.. to make plans.. our time with our babies is treasured forever but I do wish for more.. just one more day.. one more moment..

It really was straight away that we were faced with people around saying insensitive albeit unintentional comments to us..It truly is hard to understand why people don’t treat the death of babies the same as any other death.. What does it mean or matter if my babies had not taken a breath yet ??  Our babies were so very wanted. We had plans for them and for our lives with them in it. We had hopes and dreams right from the beginning. They do matter and are so very important. They are our 3rd and 4th children. They have their place in our family.

It is so hard not having the memories of knowing what my babies would  have grown to be like.. Some times have been harder than others, some days times and moments I didn’t know how I would cope or get through. The lonely nights when you can’t sleep, seeing their beautiful faces, remembering how they felt in your arms and all you can think of is why and how.. The pain and heartache has been so deep and gut wrenching. I have been surprised at how some times and situations have been far harder than I expected and how some of the times and situations I anticipated to be hard were in fact not..

Recently my best friend Sonya was killed in a car accident and I realised how much of a good place I have gotten to with the loss of my girls .. On most days and generally I don’t feel that horrible aching pain where it overcomes you and  fills your whole chest and makes it  hard to breathe. I can better explain it by saying it is like I carry my girls right by my side, very much a part of my life. My girls are not here with me, it’s terribly sad.. but I am ok, I survived another day when I didn’t think I would.. I am very proud to be Amie-Lee & Emily’s Mum..

In 10 years our lives have changed incredibly, the loss of our girls has affected who we are what we do and how we think about things. I like to think our girls little lost lives were not in vain. That they have changed us for the better, that we have always acknowledged them as our daughters, that they are remembered always, that we have shared how important they are to us and that we don’t take for granted the simple things and what we do have here on this earth.

Right now it does feel different,  harder, I am feeling them missing even more from our lives, wondering all about them, looking back over all these years.. feeling really quite sad and blue..but I really wouldn’t expect this time to come and pass without significantly feeling their loss .

Sending special angel hugs to my girls..

Trudi

Note from PILARI: Trudi is the Founder of the Teddy Love Club: providing support, understanding and resources to parents who have lost babies


Comments (1)

Katrin
Said this on 13-05-12 At 05:26 pm

Dear Trudy, Thank you for sharing your story. It is wonderful to see how you honour the 10th anniversary of your beautiful girls. I lost my twin sons in August 2011 as I suddenly went into labour at only 20+ gestation. A few days before stage 1 TTTS had been diagnosed however no medical intervention was needed for stage 1. The reason why I went into labour has never been established. Again, thank you for sharing your story. I found the journey you go through when losing your babies can be lonely sometimes. All the best, Katrin

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